I was reading Babette Deutsch's "Urban Pastoral" and i was intrigued by how the writer presented this almost rural view of the city and I wanted to try and unpack this line " a dream of summer's: gaiety in repose,Lazily festive as poster holiday." No form as of yet, just messing around with context.
The sun rises,
surges like phoenix
flowers jutting against soil
with petals that shudder
against wind kisses.
They die slowly as
The sun crept behind water.
Taking salty, sure kisses
one gape at a time.
Yet, bursted
at a new day.
I never was tall enough
to jump past the smoke.
I think I'll tackle this one line at a time. First line, I think the verb fails to present something new to me. The sun, after all, "rises" and falls, though I will say I like the idea of the sun "surging," which is definitely something different though I'm not sure how I feel about the phoenix/flowers enjambment. I understand the "phoenix" in the second line is supposed to imply the mythical bird but the strange lack of article, "a phoenix," hints to me that there will be something more than just "phoenix". "Wind kisses" seem to be a bit much, kind poesy against the flowers and petals that jut and shudder. I like the idea of (what I assume to be the flowers) dying, but immediately after we have a return to the word "sun," which at least this time, creeps. Another appearance of the word "kisses". I'm not convinced what the word "yet" is contradicting in the tenth line. Looking at the piece overall, it seems odd that the speaker doesn't come in until the end, and that the draft would benefit from some expansion, an explanation of the smoke, which I could see peeking its way into the draft with the sun crept behind water, and the idea of fire and ash with the phoenix. I'd like to see more with this.
ReplyDeleteI think I'll tackle this one line at a time. First line, I think the verb fails to present something new to me. The sun, after all, "rises" and falls, though I will say I like the idea of the sun "surging," which is definitely something different though I'm not sure how I feel about the phoenix/flowers enjambment. I understand the "phoenix" in the second line is supposed to imply the mythical bird but the strange lack of article, "a phoenix," hints to me that there will be something more than just "phoenix". "Wind kisses" seem to be a bit much, kind poesy against the flowers and petals that jut and shudder. I like the idea of (what I assume to be the flowers) dying, but immediately after we have a return to the word "sun," which at least this time, creeps. Another appearance of the word "kisses". I'm not convinced what the word "yet" is contradicting in the tenth line. Looking at the piece overall, it seems odd that the speaker doesn't come in until the end, and that the draft would benefit from some expansion, an explanation of the smoke, which I could see peeking its way into the draft with the sun crept behind water, and the idea of fire and ash with the phoenix. I'd like to see more with this.
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